Some news... that is not so new...

I wanted to post on my infertility blog our update. During our treatment in February I knew if I had to blog another "unsuccessful" attmept, that I would be devastated. I would have blogged it anyway... But I don't have to!

We are now 22 weeks pregnant! On our 48th month we conceived, and it has stuck!!! The ultrasound tech says she is pretty sure its a GIRL! I want to post so much more, but I have actually been writing it down as a possible book of my journey through womanhood, motherhood, and infertility. So I think I will save a lot of it for that for now. We are so excited and are expecting our little one around November 21st, 2010! I read this poem today and it made me so excited to start a new chapter with my Husband, Son, and Daughter!

A Heavenly Conversation

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow,
but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have
to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.
And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand
when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words
you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will
teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach
you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach
you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth
could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave
now, please tell me my angel's name."

God said, You will simply call her, "Mom."

A work in progress.

Oh my headaches!! If horrible side effects and symptoms from the shots is a sign that things are going good then things must be going AWESOME! My head is killing me. But I am still positive and up beat about this month. I was talking to Joe about an idea for a funny little picture-book/poem about infertility. I think I would call it "The Infertile Zoo Life" and it would be basically based around this little poem I wrote tonight. Tell me what you think:

When I was a little llama I had a mama.

She taught many things like one two three.
She even explained to me the birds and bees.
But when I got older I feel to my knees,
they told I had birds but no bees and needed some monkees,
in lab coats that hid in the trees.

And then the day came that it began to rain.
I tried with the monkees no matter how insane,
But no matter what I did it was all in vain.
It was then that I learned what it was to have pain.

So we left the monkees and met a Gorilla
She took us as far as a place called Manila.
Where the baby was beautiful no longer vanilla.
But even there we still needed our umbrella.

We found a goat that sat by a tree.
who had a large boat to help us flee.
We hopped right in to travel the great sea.
And after a long journey it was time to be a we.
We had found our little chimpanzee.

Now when we look back at our journey of strife,
we no longer see pain or feel that sharp knife.
We learned so much on this journey through life.

Even to be blessed when a day came our way,
That the master of the storm did not just say maybe...
He had even finally blessed us with a brand new baby.

The story is not just one big drama,
It will continue on the pages of life comma after comma,
All about how this Papa and Mama,
finally found their little llama.


Let me know what you think! It still needs some work. My final thought of the day is this; The secret to having it all, is believing that you do!

:-)

Day One

So here it goes! I have had so much to think about this weekend. I met two new wonderful woman who have struggled with trials recently. One is near and dear to my heart because she has gone on the infertility journey and has PCOS. But she has her miracle baby!!! I got to hold this almost 4 month old baby for hours on my chest and just relax. It was such a release. It is an example to me that when I pray to be given a baby that it is not that I should ask for a baby to be mine. But to ask for the gift of being able to care, teach, and love a baby that is our Heavenly Father's. These babies are not "ours" to claim. They belong to God. We are just trusted with them for a period of time on this earth. I am privileged to have my son to watch over and love. He is a child of God.

The second woman I got the amazing privilege to get to know is a pillar of strength to me. I don't know that she feels that she is a pillar, but I do. She recently lost a baby that she delivered sleeping (not alive) at an almost full term birth. It was known that this would probably happen since earlier on in the pregnancy and she chose to not terminate and place it in the Lord's hands. She and her spouse and daughter are incredible. Even just talking with her brought me peace to know that she is being strong when it is hard, walking though she may be faint, and has not given up. My trials seem so trivial to me now. They are still hard at times, but if others can be so much stronger than me then I can make it!

As for my journey:

I am stronger than I ever have been and my testimony of my Savior is intact and permanent. I am so excited that I started my cycle yesterday. I will go in for my day 3 u/s tomorrow to make sure my ovaries and uterus are ready for this cycle and then begin my month if I get the go ahead. I am excited but moderately so. It is hard to allow myself to think about it too much, but I am excited for our adventure. Life is so interesting, you just never know what is around the corner. Here's hoping though!

The same road with new destinations.

So we are about to start fertility treatments again. I am doing a combination of natural supplements along with injections of menopur, follistim, and ovidrel. I am not excited about the medicine, however I have so much love around me to encourage me. I know that the party that could follow a positive result will be so tremendous it will make it all worth it. But I also know that if it doesn't work then my loved ones around me will help keep ME positive and we will try again! I will be okay either way.

This is a similar road if not the same one I have been traveling since I was a young girl battling PCOS however... I am different. I am strong. I am happy. In my pain I find growth and learning. I am actually excited for the outcome of this next year. We will either welcome new life or grow as a family in other ways and either way it is exciting and fun with many adventures. I am so appreciative of my friends and family around me!

We are also welcoming Joe's brother and wife to our Northwestern area. We are so excited for their little family to come share in the love and beauty of the people and the area here. I can't wait to play with their baby girl and help with the bun they have in the oven when he/she arrives! They are awesome people and will only add more happiness. I hope they will find the peace we have found here.

Wish me luck! I will keep you updated with the goings on! I hope that I can find more people to share my blog with. I want women to know we can empower ourselves with this disease and not just be victims! I am starting my cycle any day now (brought on with medical aid) so hormones, hormones, hormones are around the corner. Buckle up it could be an interesting ride! :-)

A new attitude.

Ok... so here we are 5 months later. I started this blog to vent. And that is what I did. But after I had my big girl tantrums I decided a few things. First, to make the blog public. So I am going to be careful about what personal info I share, but at the same time be very honest. Second, to keep a positive attitude no matter what. Even if the little pink lines never say positive... or even when they do and it doesn't go as planned.

The past 5 months have been life changing! Our move to Washington was so inspired by my Heavenly Father that to deny his existence would be foolish. In Mark 9:23 it says, "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth." I BELIEVE, no I KNOW that we will have more children. And if I never actually give birth to a baby, I know that if I believe in my Heavenly Father and brother Jesus Christ and love my family with all my heart and live a good life I will be blessed. And I say this even though that will be a huge struggle for me.

That being said, I have not lost my little bit of hope to conceive a baby. After 4 years of trying, and so much pain I still have hope! We have such an amazing group of friends forming here. And some in the most unexpected places! In fact I would say that some of our friends are now part of our extended family. I no longer dread finding out that a friend or family member is pregnant, in fact I love it when they are! Thank goodness this isn't everyone's trial because then there wouldn't be ANY babies!

I may get sad again but I know my friends and husband and family with pull me back up onto my feet. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to trust people again! I still haven't mended some things I would like to but I have hope and faith that I will. And like my quote on my wall says "FAITH makes things possible, not easy."

Thank you Joseph my husband for loving me when I was unlovable. You are my hero.

Wait

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, 'Child, you must wait'.
'Wait? You say, wait! ' my indignant reply.
'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
and grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting.... for what?'
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT.'

Anger

I want to be able to vent my feelings and blog my journey. Well blog the journey starting now. My husband and I have been wanting to be pregnant for over 40 months. Some have been longing for the same wish for longer, some are less. No matter where you are on the journey it stinks. I really wish that no man or women had to go through this. And I mean that. The feelings of longing or envy when someone gets pregnant, and its not you, you aren't wishing that they weren't pregnant. In fact they aren't feelings about the other people at all. They are feelings of still missing out on "The Secret." Feelings that you are the failure. That you have been abandoned by your higher power.

I feel as if there is this hidden ability that I have that I don't know how to use. Now after so much time I wonder do I have the ability? Maybe that gift wasn't given to me. I remember thinking so many times in life, when will it be my turn? When will it be my turn to get the part in the play, when will it be my turn to get the praise of a parent, when will it be my turn to finally get my dream job, when will it be my turn to meet the boy I am going to marry, when will it be my turn to be a mommy, when will it be my turn to have good luck even. All phases of life have "Is it my turn?" moments. Now I am in the "when will I get my turn to have the blessing of a baby growing inside my body."

I am a fighter. I live for the challenge. So you would think that I would be good at this. Waiting. Shots. Bloodwork. Appointments. Strangers in strange places of my body. Pain. My stomach at times bares the signs of the war that I am fighting. Bruises.

I feel like by telling people that I am angry, beaten, tired, and worn I will look weak. So this is me flipping that fear! I have anger. And its okay. Its not towards anyone, its not personal for anyone but me. So if you want the harsh reality then please read about my journey. If you don't want to see or hear what the brash life of a women coping with infertility is then don't read my blog. Its not only negative, in fact I find A LOT of positive. But when its ugly, its ugly.

If you are another woman dealing with infertility, I get it. I have a love and respect for you. Never give up. You aren't alone even when the only thing staring at you is the one pink line as you imagine it turning to two. And when its remains one line month after month after month. I am here. You are not alone!