Anger

I want to be able to vent my feelings and blog my journey. Well blog the journey starting now. My husband and I have been wanting to be pregnant for over 40 months. Some have been longing for the same wish for longer, some are less. No matter where you are on the journey it stinks. I really wish that no man or women had to go through this. And I mean that. The feelings of longing or envy when someone gets pregnant, and its not you, you aren't wishing that they weren't pregnant. In fact they aren't feelings about the other people at all. They are feelings of still missing out on "The Secret." Feelings that you are the failure. That you have been abandoned by your higher power.

I feel as if there is this hidden ability that I have that I don't know how to use. Now after so much time I wonder do I have the ability? Maybe that gift wasn't given to me. I remember thinking so many times in life, when will it be my turn? When will it be my turn to get the part in the play, when will it be my turn to get the praise of a parent, when will it be my turn to finally get my dream job, when will it be my turn to meet the boy I am going to marry, when will it be my turn to be a mommy, when will it be my turn to have good luck even. All phases of life have "Is it my turn?" moments. Now I am in the "when will I get my turn to have the blessing of a baby growing inside my body."

I am a fighter. I live for the challenge. So you would think that I would be good at this. Waiting. Shots. Bloodwork. Appointments. Strangers in strange places of my body. Pain. My stomach at times bares the signs of the war that I am fighting. Bruises.

I feel like by telling people that I am angry, beaten, tired, and worn I will look weak. So this is me flipping that fear! I have anger. And its okay. Its not towards anyone, its not personal for anyone but me. So if you want the harsh reality then please read about my journey. If you don't want to see or hear what the brash life of a women coping with infertility is then don't read my blog. Its not only negative, in fact I find A LOT of positive. But when its ugly, its ugly.

If you are another woman dealing with infertility, I get it. I have a love and respect for you. Never give up. You aren't alone even when the only thing staring at you is the one pink line as you imagine it turning to two. And when its remains one line month after month after month. I am here. You are not alone!