My thoughts today...
I am so tired. I haven't slept through the night in years. For most women with children this is normal. And sometimes it has been my kids waking me up. But on average its just me. Its like the darkness of night attacks me, it attacks my ability to turn off. In the darkness of night I can't hide. You would think that it being dark would help. Instead it makes me look at openness not emptiness. In the dark you can't see the world for what it is only what it could be.
So do I not sleep cause I am scared to face possibilities or possibly do I find a release in it? A release in holding onto fantasies of what if? Good question huh? I am not really that deep, well not on purpose.
As far as the Journey...
We have discussed putting fertility treatments on hold. I am almost mad about it. I feel like if I keep giving myself shots, keep going to the Dr., keep popping the pills, I am in control. If I stop then it feels like giving up. Joe says we can just try on our own hope for a miracle, a Christmas one even. But my response to him was mean. One side effect of infertility is on your intimate life. Its not like for other couples who enjoy each other whenever they want. We are on a schedule it seems. I asked him when the last time we actually "tried on our own." Why does this disease suck the love out of me. Isn't making a life supposed to create love? Maybe thats just it maybe I have started to give all my love away and I am running low now. In the mean time I have started to make an exercise plan to go with the way I have changed our diet already. And we are going to Disneyland over Halloween. Distractions are how I survive right now. It's not that I am unhappy, just frustrated at not being in control. I am a control freak.
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Inspiring Songs
I know this will sound cliche, but it's true... Remember that a lot of this is hormonal. I have found over the years that one of the worst parts of fertility treatments is the mood swings that go with the hormone fluctuations. My biggest complaint this past summer, while on the clomid, was that it turned me into a person that my husband didn't WANT to be intimate with, so it pretty much defeated the purpose. (not that I ovulated with it anyway, but if I had, it would have been a chore to "make ourselves" do what we were supposed to do.) TMI, I know... but the reality of infertility.
ReplyDeleteWe're sort of taking a break right now, too. Still hoping for a miracle, but resting from the meds and dr appts. My body and our family couldn't deal with much more for the moment, so once we catch our breath, so to speak, we'll go back in and talk with the doc about the next step.