Thursday, September 24, 2009
Another casualty of the war.
My family member who was pregnant is now loosing the pregnancy. I think the only thing that hurts worse than my own struggle to have a baby is when others close to me struggle and have similar trials. As much as I wish for my own success, I wish more for others. I wish her and her husband all the strength in the world. She is amazing though and will handle it better than I ever do. Your amazing girl! Keep on keeping on and it will happen!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tired.
My thoughts today...
I am so tired. I haven't slept through the night in years. For most women with children this is normal. And sometimes it has been my kids waking me up. But on average its just me. Its like the darkness of night attacks me, it attacks my ability to turn off. In the darkness of night I can't hide. You would think that it being dark would help. Instead it makes me look at openness not emptiness. In the dark you can't see the world for what it is only what it could be.
So do I not sleep cause I am scared to face possibilities or possibly do I find a release in it? A release in holding onto fantasies of what if? Good question huh? I am not really that deep, well not on purpose.
As far as the Journey...
We have discussed putting fertility treatments on hold. I am almost mad about it. I feel like if I keep giving myself shots, keep going to the Dr., keep popping the pills, I am in control. If I stop then it feels like giving up. Joe says we can just try on our own hope for a miracle, a Christmas one even. But my response to him was mean. One side effect of infertility is on your intimate life. Its not like for other couples who enjoy each other whenever they want. We are on a schedule it seems. I asked him when the last time we actually "tried on our own." Why does this disease suck the love out of me. Isn't making a life supposed to create love? Maybe thats just it maybe I have started to give all my love away and I am running low now. In the mean time I have started to make an exercise plan to go with the way I have changed our diet already. And we are going to Disneyland over Halloween. Distractions are how I survive right now. It's not that I am unhappy, just frustrated at not being in control. I am a control freak.
I am so tired. I haven't slept through the night in years. For most women with children this is normal. And sometimes it has been my kids waking me up. But on average its just me. Its like the darkness of night attacks me, it attacks my ability to turn off. In the darkness of night I can't hide. You would think that it being dark would help. Instead it makes me look at openness not emptiness. In the dark you can't see the world for what it is only what it could be.
So do I not sleep cause I am scared to face possibilities or possibly do I find a release in it? A release in holding onto fantasies of what if? Good question huh? I am not really that deep, well not on purpose.
As far as the Journey...
We have discussed putting fertility treatments on hold. I am almost mad about it. I feel like if I keep giving myself shots, keep going to the Dr., keep popping the pills, I am in control. If I stop then it feels like giving up. Joe says we can just try on our own hope for a miracle, a Christmas one even. But my response to him was mean. One side effect of infertility is on your intimate life. Its not like for other couples who enjoy each other whenever they want. We are on a schedule it seems. I asked him when the last time we actually "tried on our own." Why does this disease suck the love out of me. Isn't making a life supposed to create love? Maybe thats just it maybe I have started to give all my love away and I am running low now. In the mean time I have started to make an exercise plan to go with the way I have changed our diet already. And we are going to Disneyland over Halloween. Distractions are how I survive right now. It's not that I am unhappy, just frustrated at not being in control. I am a control freak.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
My story till now.
Since I just started this blog but am a long distance into this journey I thought I would tell my story up to this point.
Joe and I were married in February of 2006. I have had female problems since I was 9. So knowing this and having already been diagnosed with PCOS we decided to not do any form of contraceptive. In fact we decided to "try" and get pregnant right away. I even started charting my temps before we were even married. (And yes we were married in the temple to those who are LDS, and to all others that means we DID NOT have "marital" relations till after we were married.)
To my surprise the ovulation kit said I was ovulating a week after being married, in my world ovulating is a miracle all by itself. Well I had my first "chemical pregnancy" on that ovulation.
What is a chemical pregnancy you ask? Well: (copied from about.com)
A chemical pregnancy is like a cruel joke. You take an early pregnancy test around the time your period is due that shows a faint positive. Naturally, you get excited and start spreading the joyful news that you're expecting. Then, a few days later you get your period and the doctor says, "It was just a chemical pregnancy." Meanwhile, you're left confused and possibly devastated. The term chemical pregnancy sounds like a false positive pregnancy test, as if you were not really pregnant at all. But the truth is that a chemical pregnancy was indeed a conception and is actually a very early miscarriage. The term chemical pregnancy means that the miscarriage happened at a point that a missed period and biochemical tests, such as an hCG blood test or a home pregnancy test (checking hCG in urine), were the only evidence that you were pregnant. The miscarriage happened before an ultrasound could have shown a gestational sac.
I have since had 3 chemical pregnancies and 2 miscarriages that were at 10-12 weeks and 14-16 weeks. Not sure on the exact time frame because we don't know how long development stopped and I wasn't sure when I ovulated. All 3 chem. preg. were on fertility treatments.
We took brakes many times. The biggest break from trying was from the time our son Thomas was first placed in our home at age 4 as a foster child to last fall. But you never really "stop" trying. We just didn't stare at my temps and check for ovulation signs throughout the month.
In November-December of 2006 after the 12 week miscarriage we decided that we wanted to consider adoption not because it was the ONLY option, but because we wanted to help a child that needed a family and we could feel we needed whoever's little spirit that was out there in our family. We thought it would be an infant but after learning about children in foster care who are available immediately for adoption we turned to that. And we found Thomas. We met him 3 days before Christmas and finalized the adoption on December 18th of the following year just after his 5th birthday.
In August of 2007 (during the first year Thomas was with us) we took another placement of a 2 year old foster child. We shall calm him C for privacy. C was immediately a joy. Hard, but a joy. I am very adamant that even though we were not able to adopt him that I was still his MOTHER for the year he was with us. I have had a few people challenge that I was never C's mother and have chosen to cut off ties even with people who have opposed that. I am not his mother now, but I will always count him as my second baby. Anyone who has fostered will agree with me that once they are in your home, forever or temporarily, you will never stop loving them as a mother loves a child. It was not our choice to not adopt him and we will always know that our hearts were willing. The lord allows freewill, even when it breaks others hearts. We have moved on and I know that we are healed from this experience hard as it may have been. But it brought on the desire to have little feet running around even more!
So as the Holidays of 2008 continued we decided to put huge efforts into infertility. I had already tried MANY MANY rounds of Clomid previously and had been on Metformin for PCOS.
So what next? An RE thats what!
A Reproductive Endocrinologist is an infertility specialist (thats the easy description). We found one we liked in SLC and he started us on higher doses of Metformin and Femara, a drug similar to Clomid. Still didn't work. So we moved to Follistim injections and IUI.
IUI stands for Intra-Uterine Insemination. So in April of this year I did Femara, Follistim, and Pregnyl (a ovulation trigger shot). After a month filled with 6-10 blood draws, 6 shots, 5 hormone pills, 4 intra-uterine ultrasounds, $1200 and a catheter inserted into my uterus I thought FOR SURE we would get preggo! I mean come on the dedication, the pain, the commitment, the prayers! Did you know most women have to do 2-3 IUIs before it will work, and even more women take 3-6!!!!! Yeah no one told me that. Stupid RE. Yeah well no preggo for me.
Then we made an even bigger change. Joe got accepted for a transfer to Washington State. So we prayed, felt good, packed up, and said our goodbyes. Let me tell you how sad I was to leave the RE that didn't even tell my my averages of success with IUI.
So now we are in Washington have a new RE who comes highly recommended and our insurance here covers about 90% of our treatments up to $10,000. So we went in did our consult and started over in July of this year.
We started new injections of Menopur and planned to due an HCG ovulation trigger shot called Ovidrel. I started with 1 shot a day for 5 days, went to do ultra sound on day 8, and low and behold.....nothing. My ovaries weren't responding. Ech! So, I took prometrium to to start a withdrawal bleed and then upped my dosage of Menopur and added Follistim shots. Thats 2 shots a day. So 22 shots, 8 blood draws, and 8 ultra sounds later... I had great responses in my ovaries! 4 follicles on one side all 18+ mm and 3 on the other 16mm+ and 3 of those were 20mm+. (Thats good for anyone who doesn't know.) I took another shot this time my Ovidrel to bring on ovulation. My lining looked awesome my estrogen levels were awesome! So we went in for the iui. Joe's little swimmers were awesome! A huge count and they were healthy!! So another catheter in my uterus! We timed it as perfect as it gets. And a two week wait and daily progesterone and estrogen pills.
Yep, a it was a negative. That's right negatory.
So where are we at... 36+ shots, 20+ blood draws, many many hormone pills, 2 catheters, and a very bruised tummy.
This time I am bitter. Angry. Furious. Sad. Envious. Dark.
And to add another level of emotion a family member that is younger and married less than I have got pregnant and has a due date a week after mine would have been. I am ecstatic for them! I would NEVER want anyone to be on this journey. Age isn't really an issue but its still weird for me. But I have to get over feeling like I am looking through the window at what I thought I would be doing for the next 8-9 months. That's a hard thing to do, especially when over-medicated with hormones. I don't want anyone to feel bad, maybe be a little sensitive to my feelings, but that's it. Studies show that women with infertility battle depression as badly as a terminally ill person. Just a little food for thought.
Those are yucky things and I am bigger than all of it! So I am going to try and flip this and remind myself who I am. Even if I never give birth to a baby I know that we will have more children. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know that it takes patience and everyone's journey is different.
But no I am not going to magically get pregnant if I adopt again because that's what happened to a friend of a friend. I am not going to all of a sudden BE pregnant as soon as I stop trying, cause lets face it any women who wants a baby and isn't pregnant always thinks about it mid cycle. Yes I know that the Lord has a plan and he doesn't always control everything. And no I am not depressed every time someone else gets pregnant. Envious but not depressed.
So here I am. I am a wife and a mother and I love it. I have an amazing husband who rubs my feet when my tummy hurts, gets me ice for my shots, watches movies with me when I can't sleep in the middle of the night even if he as to work. I have a son who makes sure to always pray for a baby to be in mommy's tummy, gives my tummy kisses when I don't want to do the next shot, entertains himself when the hormones make me utterly exhausted, and is generally a great kid! I do love my life. But I am still missing pieces, little spirits, and my heart and soul aches. I still dread the feeling of thinking I need to check if we are out of diapers even though my foster son has been gone for a year now. I hate wanting to stop and buy baby clothes. I hate that I wake up at the same time every night that C used to wake up with a night terror. I can't wait till I can DVR silly talk shows to watch while I do 2am and 4am feedings.
...Someday. And I know because of this journey she/he THEY, will be so loved, cherished, nurtured, and doted on by a mommy, daddy, and big brother that prayed them into this crazy world.
Wherever you are babies...I am not giving up.
Joe and I were married in February of 2006. I have had female problems since I was 9. So knowing this and having already been diagnosed with PCOS we decided to not do any form of contraceptive. In fact we decided to "try" and get pregnant right away. I even started charting my temps before we were even married. (And yes we were married in the temple to those who are LDS, and to all others that means we DID NOT have "marital" relations till after we were married.)
To my surprise the ovulation kit said I was ovulating a week after being married, in my world ovulating is a miracle all by itself. Well I had my first "chemical pregnancy" on that ovulation.
What is a chemical pregnancy you ask? Well: (copied from about.com)
A chemical pregnancy is like a cruel joke. You take an early pregnancy test around the time your period is due that shows a faint positive. Naturally, you get excited and start spreading the joyful news that you're expecting. Then, a few days later you get your period and the doctor says, "It was just a chemical pregnancy." Meanwhile, you're left confused and possibly devastated. The term chemical pregnancy sounds like a false positive pregnancy test, as if you were not really pregnant at all. But the truth is that a chemical pregnancy was indeed a conception and is actually a very early miscarriage. The term chemical pregnancy means that the miscarriage happened at a point that a missed period and biochemical tests, such as an hCG blood test or a home pregnancy test (checking hCG in urine), were the only evidence that you were pregnant. The miscarriage happened before an ultrasound could have shown a gestational sac.
I have since had 3 chemical pregnancies and 2 miscarriages that were at 10-12 weeks and 14-16 weeks. Not sure on the exact time frame because we don't know how long development stopped and I wasn't sure when I ovulated. All 3 chem. preg. were on fertility treatments.
We took brakes many times. The biggest break from trying was from the time our son Thomas was first placed in our home at age 4 as a foster child to last fall. But you never really "stop" trying. We just didn't stare at my temps and check for ovulation signs throughout the month.
In November-December of 2006 after the 12 week miscarriage we decided that we wanted to consider adoption not because it was the ONLY option, but because we wanted to help a child that needed a family and we could feel we needed whoever's little spirit that was out there in our family. We thought it would be an infant but after learning about children in foster care who are available immediately for adoption we turned to that. And we found Thomas. We met him 3 days before Christmas and finalized the adoption on December 18th of the following year just after his 5th birthday.
In August of 2007 (during the first year Thomas was with us) we took another placement of a 2 year old foster child. We shall calm him C for privacy. C was immediately a joy. Hard, but a joy. I am very adamant that even though we were not able to adopt him that I was still his MOTHER for the year he was with us. I have had a few people challenge that I was never C's mother and have chosen to cut off ties even with people who have opposed that. I am not his mother now, but I will always count him as my second baby. Anyone who has fostered will agree with me that once they are in your home, forever or temporarily, you will never stop loving them as a mother loves a child. It was not our choice to not adopt him and we will always know that our hearts were willing. The lord allows freewill, even when it breaks others hearts. We have moved on and I know that we are healed from this experience hard as it may have been. But it brought on the desire to have little feet running around even more!
So as the Holidays of 2008 continued we decided to put huge efforts into infertility. I had already tried MANY MANY rounds of Clomid previously and had been on Metformin for PCOS.
So what next? An RE thats what!
A Reproductive Endocrinologist is an infertility specialist (thats the easy description). We found one we liked in SLC and he started us on higher doses of Metformin and Femara, a drug similar to Clomid. Still didn't work. So we moved to Follistim injections and IUI.
IUI stands for Intra-Uterine Insemination. So in April of this year I did Femara, Follistim, and Pregnyl (a ovulation trigger shot). After a month filled with 6-10 blood draws, 6 shots, 5 hormone pills, 4 intra-uterine ultrasounds, $1200 and a catheter inserted into my uterus I thought FOR SURE we would get preggo! I mean come on the dedication, the pain, the commitment, the prayers! Did you know most women have to do 2-3 IUIs before it will work, and even more women take 3-6!!!!! Yeah no one told me that. Stupid RE. Yeah well no preggo for me.
Then we made an even bigger change. Joe got accepted for a transfer to Washington State. So we prayed, felt good, packed up, and said our goodbyes. Let me tell you how sad I was to leave the RE that didn't even tell my my averages of success with IUI.
So now we are in Washington have a new RE who comes highly recommended and our insurance here covers about 90% of our treatments up to $10,000. So we went in did our consult and started over in July of this year.
We started new injections of Menopur and planned to due an HCG ovulation trigger shot called Ovidrel. I started with 1 shot a day for 5 days, went to do ultra sound on day 8, and low and behold.....nothing. My ovaries weren't responding. Ech! So, I took prometrium to to start a withdrawal bleed and then upped my dosage of Menopur and added Follistim shots. Thats 2 shots a day. So 22 shots, 8 blood draws, and 8 ultra sounds later... I had great responses in my ovaries! 4 follicles on one side all 18+ mm and 3 on the other 16mm+ and 3 of those were 20mm+. (Thats good for anyone who doesn't know.) I took another shot this time my Ovidrel to bring on ovulation. My lining looked awesome my estrogen levels were awesome! So we went in for the iui. Joe's little swimmers were awesome! A huge count and they were healthy!! So another catheter in my uterus! We timed it as perfect as it gets. And a two week wait and daily progesterone and estrogen pills.
Yep, a it was a negative. That's right negatory.
So where are we at... 36+ shots, 20+ blood draws, many many hormone pills, 2 catheters, and a very bruised tummy.
This time I am bitter. Angry. Furious. Sad. Envious. Dark.
And to add another level of emotion a family member that is younger and married less than I have got pregnant and has a due date a week after mine would have been. I am ecstatic for them! I would NEVER want anyone to be on this journey. Age isn't really an issue but its still weird for me. But I have to get over feeling like I am looking through the window at what I thought I would be doing for the next 8-9 months. That's a hard thing to do, especially when over-medicated with hormones. I don't want anyone to feel bad, maybe be a little sensitive to my feelings, but that's it. Studies show that women with infertility battle depression as badly as a terminally ill person. Just a little food for thought.
Those are yucky things and I am bigger than all of it! So I am going to try and flip this and remind myself who I am. Even if I never give birth to a baby I know that we will have more children. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know that it takes patience and everyone's journey is different.
But no I am not going to magically get pregnant if I adopt again because that's what happened to a friend of a friend. I am not going to all of a sudden BE pregnant as soon as I stop trying, cause lets face it any women who wants a baby and isn't pregnant always thinks about it mid cycle. Yes I know that the Lord has a plan and he doesn't always control everything. And no I am not depressed every time someone else gets pregnant. Envious but not depressed.
So here I am. I am a wife and a mother and I love it. I have an amazing husband who rubs my feet when my tummy hurts, gets me ice for my shots, watches movies with me when I can't sleep in the middle of the night even if he as to work. I have a son who makes sure to always pray for a baby to be in mommy's tummy, gives my tummy kisses when I don't want to do the next shot, entertains himself when the hormones make me utterly exhausted, and is generally a great kid! I do love my life. But I am still missing pieces, little spirits, and my heart and soul aches. I still dread the feeling of thinking I need to check if we are out of diapers even though my foster son has been gone for a year now. I hate wanting to stop and buy baby clothes. I hate that I wake up at the same time every night that C used to wake up with a night terror. I can't wait till I can DVR silly talk shows to watch while I do 2am and 4am feedings.
...Someday. And I know because of this journey she/he THEY, will be so loved, cherished, nurtured, and doted on by a mommy, daddy, and big brother that prayed them into this crazy world.
Wherever you are babies...I am not giving up.
Anger
I want to be able to vent my feelings and blog my journey. Well blog the journey starting now. My husband and I have been wanting to be pregnant for over 40 months. Some have been longing for the same wish for longer, some are less. No matter where you are on the journey it stinks. I really wish that no man or women had to go through this. And I mean that. The feelings of longing or envy when someone gets pregnant, and its not you, you aren't wishing that they weren't pregnant. In fact they aren't feelings about the other people at all. They are feelings of still missing out on "The Secret." Feelings that you are the failure. That you have been abandoned by your higher power.
I feel as if there is this hidden ability that I have that I don't know how to use. Now after so much time I wonder do I have the ability? Maybe that gift wasn't given to me. I remember thinking so many times in life, when will it be my turn? When will it be my turn to get the part in the play, when will it be my turn to get the praise of a parent, when will it be my turn to finally get my dream job, when will it be my turn to meet the boy I am going to marry, when will it be my turn to be a mommy, when will it be my turn to have good luck even. All phases of life have "Is it my turn?" moments. Now I am in the "when will I get my turn to have the blessing of a baby growing inside my body."
I am a fighter. I live for the challenge. So you would think that I would be good at this. Waiting. Shots. Bloodwork. Appointments. Strangers in strange places of my body. Pain. My stomach at times bares the signs of the war that I am fighting. Bruises.
I feel like by telling people that I am angry, beaten, tired, and worn I will look weak. So this is me flipping that fear! I have anger. And its okay. Its not towards anyone, its not personal for anyone but me. So if you want the harsh reality then please read about my journey. If you don't want to see or hear what the brash life of a women coping with infertility is then don't read my blog. Its not only negative, in fact I find A LOT of positive. But when its ugly, its ugly.
If you are another woman dealing with infertility, I get it. I have a love and respect for you. Never give up. You aren't alone even when the only thing staring at you is the one pink line as you imagine it turning to two. And when its remains one line month after month after month. I am here. You are not alone!
I feel as if there is this hidden ability that I have that I don't know how to use. Now after so much time I wonder do I have the ability? Maybe that gift wasn't given to me. I remember thinking so many times in life, when will it be my turn? When will it be my turn to get the part in the play, when will it be my turn to get the praise of a parent, when will it be my turn to finally get my dream job, when will it be my turn to meet the boy I am going to marry, when will it be my turn to be a mommy, when will it be my turn to have good luck even. All phases of life have "Is it my turn?" moments. Now I am in the "when will I get my turn to have the blessing of a baby growing inside my body."
I am a fighter. I live for the challenge. So you would think that I would be good at this. Waiting. Shots. Bloodwork. Appointments. Strangers in strange places of my body. Pain. My stomach at times bares the signs of the war that I am fighting. Bruises.
I feel like by telling people that I am angry, beaten, tired, and worn I will look weak. So this is me flipping that fear! I have anger. And its okay. Its not towards anyone, its not personal for anyone but me. So if you want the harsh reality then please read about my journey. If you don't want to see or hear what the brash life of a women coping with infertility is then don't read my blog. Its not only negative, in fact I find A LOT of positive. But when its ugly, its ugly.
If you are another woman dealing with infertility, I get it. I have a love and respect for you. Never give up. You aren't alone even when the only thing staring at you is the one pink line as you imagine it turning to two. And when its remains one line month after month after month. I am here. You are not alone!
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